Dear you

You won't read these words so I don't need to be cryptic. I can speak my soul into the abyss that is my blog. In many respects, it's the only thing that listens to my struggle. I'm not unhappy. Granted, I'm less jovial than I was before we met but essentially I'm ok. I count my many blessings. I'm not crying into a pillow every night nor am I operating in Bridget Jones mode. There's no vodka or Sad FM on my radio.

I love my family greatly. My colleagues are super fabulous. I have some really good friends. Domestic life can be stressful. Anything that includes children has moments of madness. Sometimes it's fun. Sometimes it's amazing. Sometimes it's hell on earth. I'm realistic and occasionally idealistic. All things considered, life is good (despite your absence).

I'm dating again. I stopped for a while. Couldn't quite bring myself to talk to anyone with a view to something because my view was obscured by your face. So I suppose you have faded somewhat because I'm back in the saddle again. Albeit side-saddle, half-hearted and cautious.

For a little while, I thought my soulmate would turn up somehow. Maybe in the queue at Tesco or the Post Office. There's a limit to how often you can frequent these places, just in case Sir Unicorn randomly appears. I also started to wonder whether the soulmate theory was utter crap. The jury is still out on this.  The jury has barrels of coffee, cakes and duvets. They know the decision will be tricky and lengthy. Initial rumbles suggest that the outcome may be a matter of perspective. I certainly hope they're wrong on this.

The dating site usage has resumed. It's mostly harmless and probably pointless. That said, there has been some interesting interactions. Well, one really. Maybe this connection will continue. Time will tell.

Of course about 90℅ of me still feels like you're the one. The other 10% is asleep, otherwise it would agree with the majority. Perhaps time will alter this view. Rather wish I was Marty McFly. Backwards, forwards - either direction works for me.

I have to work with what I have. Or rather, I have to work with what I don't have. I don't have you. We're not even friends now. Thus, based on that fact, life goes on without you. It has to. So, unless perpetually single has suddenly become my go to place, dating is necessary and happening.

Somehow I know that a part of me will still miss you in ten years time, in fact, in infinite time. Of course the cynics would mock this theory as the over zealous imaginings of a romantic. Yet I know my mind. Moreover, I know my heart. Some people leave their mark, regardless of how long they stay. You took a part of me with you. It won't return unless you do. This is ok. I'll get along in any future outcome because I'm a strong woman with a good heart.

Yours, 

Xxx